By some incredible co-incidence, entering this metaphor will still give you the same amount of diseases.
I have been searching dilligently, but to be honest... I think I give up. I really do. I have no idea how I'm supposed to find someone I even want to spend more than five minutes talking to, let alone seriously date. I don't really think of myself as having "high standards" but apparently in an area where family trees don't really branch, certain things can't be taken for granted. It's like someone took the US by the mexican border, shook it really good, and all the normal people held on making the freaks and morons pile up here in the North.
I swear to Nyarlahotep that I never had this problem when I lived in the southern part of California. It's only after moving up North that I noticed that people were... fucking undatable. Here's a quick run down of what I'm up against (or rather what I'm desperately trying to avoid touching at all).
Locals: I wasn't really joking about the whole "family tree looks like a telephone pole" thing. Many of the locals show what I would refer to as "inbred" characteristics; including (but by no means limited to) bunny teeth, receding chins and occasional lazy eyes. My intent is not to mock those who are ugly, or who have some sort of disability, but merely to point out that most of the population is a giant "Fuck You" to Darwin. Toss in the rampant drug abuse, and you have a winning combination! My ex is a local and although he was a little special looking, he seemed normal enough. Then you discover that cultural isolation is a bad thing. This guy apparently had no idea that the fifties ended... well, in the fifties. After dating me for two years we were both astonished when I turned down his wonderful offer of working both jobs and cooking and cleaning for him while he did absolutely jack-shit. Me, because I figured that he had to know that I never wanted that life. Him, because apparently he thought that whole "work for a living and be an equal" was all a phase. Bottom line, run away from those that have been born and bred here: It ain't worth it.
This guy at least has a fucking job.
Growers: We grow marijuana here... that's just what we do. This area never had much going for it and with the collapse of timber and fishing and being a backwater pit, pot is the only thing that brings in any money. It's such a part of the culture here that it's easy to forget that it's still totally illegal. Growers are nice, polite, love dogs, and will totally shoot your ass if you stumble across one of their grows. It wouldn't even be so bad if they just grew on their own property, but these guys have plots in the public forests and parks and they all have an itchy trigger finger. Sure these guys have money, but they live in constant paranoia waiting for the DEA to find them, or an enterprising thug to come shoot them and steal their crop. Dating one of these guys is a cross between dating a filthy, filthy hippie and the crazy homeless man with the tinfoil hat that swears the government is following him in that orange van. Of course there's never a dull moment as you dodge rival growers and the cops in your quest for true love, but this is too much work for me. Also, growers are often locals (see above).
OH, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!
Illegal Immigrants: Seriously? I didn't think this was something that I needed to be specific about. "Must be a legal citizen of the United States" was something that I didn't think I needed to include. I don't really have a beef with undocumented immigrants (unlike Arizona) but I don't neccessarily want to be dating one. Again, I have a vast dislike of jail and the law (My ex is a fucking Corrections Officer and I WILL NOT go to jail to see his ugly mug smirking at me) coming down on me like a hammer. If I want to piss off the government, I'm going to date a grower because they have cash and I has bills to pay. I like Mexican culture, I'm used to it, and they have fantastic food... however, I'm also not in a huge hurry to get married and I kind of resent being seen as a desperate Green Card dispenser.
Might actually be kind of cool to date...
Bi-sexual Furry: Again... I didn't realize that this was something that I needed to specify. I have nothing against people that swing both ways, but I did kind of want someone that was single. This person has a boyfriend and wants me to be a girlfriend. Also, FURRY. If I have to explain why I was like "fuck no, what is wrong with you" then you are either a furry, or an innocent.
For obvious reasons, you cannot be both.
Married Men: YOU ASSHOLE, YOU WASTED SIX WEEKS OF MY GODDAM LIFE THAT I'LL NEVER GET BACK.
She's more lenient that I would have been.
Mid Life Crisis: I did specify that I am in my late twenties... why the fuck is the average age of the responder 49? I'm not the prettiest person in the world, but I'm not entirely hideous to behold either. Keeping this in mind, I cannot imagine the size of the ego that thinks "awww yeah" and then sends me pictures of hideous, flabby midsections and messages that can be paraphrased as "Let's fuck!" If I'm going to "hook up" it will certainly not be with Captain Beergut. What bothers me is that these guys are literally only looking to fuck and think they have the goods to pull it off. If I'm sleeping with someone that looks like a potato sack on frog legs, they have a great personality and are in it for the long haul. Also, see above... NO married men! What the fuck, do I need to write a guide to dating where this is clearly spelled out?
Oh. My. God.
With all these fine selections arrayed before me, is it any wonder that I'm permanently between boyfriends? I am perfectly fine being single, but I do enjoy having someone to share my life with. I want someone that treats me like a real human being, likes my pets (or at least tolerates them), and isn't a dick to my friends. I go to bars every so often, and I drink a bit. Sometimes I even smoke when I drink, but I'm in good shape and I stay home more often than not. I work, and I have my own car. I'm not the greatest catch, but I'm not a complete waste of space either. I also believe that I should pay for my own stuff and if the average whining male is to be believed, that shit is worth it's weight in gold. All I'm asking for is someone that I have a realistic chance of dating and enjoying their company. I don't think this makes me "high maintenance" or even "high standards." I don't actually care how they look as long as we always have something to talk about (in fifty years, we're all going to be dead or ugly anyways). Why is there no one not gay/married matching this description anywhere to be found?
Seriously, this is the man that's been in my life the longest.
At this rate, we all know what my inevitable descent into complete and utter madness is going to look like.
Bonus: They eat you sooner after you die than dogs do, so I guess that'll save on casket and funeral expenses.
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