My friend killed herself. That's all there is to it. It's cold, hard, unemotionless facts and I'm writing this while fairly drunk. My plan, in fact, is to stay drunk all weekend so that I don't have to face the reality waiting for me. My friend is dead, and she will never laugh with me...EVER again. She's gone. Forever.

That's such a terrible word, FOREVER. It means, "never again." It means that I will never get to piss her off by being a skinny bitch. I'll never get to see her sing Def Leppard "Pour Some Sugar On Me" doing the "Jenny Dance" while singing in a thin, and dear voice. Because she's dead and never coming back. I'll never come home and find her randomly on my sofa, because (stalkers and rapists take note) we don't lock our goddamm door. If I *DID* lock the door, I was sure to get a text along the lines of "Why the hell is your door locked?! I need to use the internet!!"  And now, no one will ever invade my fucking house to use my internet with my tacit permission.

My friend killed herself.

She's never coming back. I don't really know how to deal with this in an "adult" manner. So far, my plan has been to stay drunk as shit, eat pastry, cry, and listen to the Beatles. Did I mention that I'm doing a lot of crying? I miss my friend so much that it's unbearable. I don't know how to breathe. It feels as though it's a joke; she'll walk through the door laughing at me for being sad. "It's a joke," she'll say. "I'm still alive, I just fooled ya! Got ya good, didn't I?!"

But that's not what happened.

Instead, she killed herself and I didn't even know. I have been texting and calling her with no response, and finally I checked her Facebook page. There were a thousand messages saying 'RIP Jenny!" and "We'll miss you!" And here I am not knowing. It hit me like a fucking hammer to the chest. My friend killed herself. What kind of friend am I that I had to find out in such a remote and removed way?

Well, I'll tell you. I'm the kind of friend that has to stay drunk so that I can feel the pain. I'm kind of a monster in that way. I need to drink to feel emotion anymore. I'm listening to Radiohead/Johnny Cash/The Beatles and crying hystericall whilst eating cookies. A caracature? Sure... why not? I have no fucking pride left. Isn't pride what got us here in the first place?

I'm a terrible fucking friend.

I miss my friend.

I'm very drunk.

And my friend is still dead.